Living To Please.

A little backstory for those of my (possibly insane 😉) readers that haven’t seen the show Friends--there’s a scene in Season 6:Episode 12 (“The One with the Joke”) where Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are looking at a playboy magazine together while making hilarious & witty side comments to make fun of the photos. At one point, Monica looks up at both of them and says, “if you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?” Without hesitation or a great deal of thought, Phoebe blurts out “Rachel” and throughout the episode Monica is extremely upset that Phoebe didn’t pick her. Phoebe later confesses that she believes Monica is “high maintenance,” and then adds, “with Rachel you can do whatever you want, you can just walk all over her.” Then, in turn, making both Monica and Rachel upset with her because these are truths they do not want to acknowledge about themselves.

I will confess, I relate heavily to Rachel in this episode. I have been described as a pushover, a people-pleaser, a doormat (or whatever else you want to call it) many, many times throughout my life. Usually, this is by close family or friends that want to protect me so I don’t get hurt. I love to make other people happy, I’ve been that way my entire life. I’m sure there are many reading this who can relate on a deep level. This is a truth or a fact about myself that I struggle with every day, because I know it’s a great thing to love and care about people, but what I’ve learned is that doesn’t always mean I should put them or other circumstances before me or my own.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I stayed after school to be with a classmate who was having a panic attack—I found her sitting alone, and as someone who also has panic attacks I could relate and didn’t want to leave her. So, I stayed to comfort her and help her find her older brother to calm her down. Long story short: we found her brother, I missed the bus, and without saying a word to me she decided to go home with another one of our classmates who was not willing to give me a ride (I was 15 at the time). So, I had to call my mom to come pick me up, and my high school wasn't close to home. Looking back now, I realize there are a few things I could have done differently. After playing it over in my head several times, I believe if I had left after we found my classmate's brother then I more than likely would have still caught the bus. That being said, I don’t regret doing what I could to help her feel better. I do, however, regret staying after we found her brother. I know deep down I felt guilty for wanting to leave, which is why I stayed, even though she was in good hands.

I’ve discovered that being a ‘pushover’ or a ‘people-pleaser’ is a desire to be in control because it is allowing another person to have the power. In a way, a ‘pushover’ tears themselves apart, to make others feel whole. The sad truth is, people will NEVER EVER be pleased. Maybe for a moment, a few days, or a week, but there will always be something else. So, my fellow people-pleasers, you cannot change overnight, BUT you can take a moment to acknowledge that this is who you are, and that there is a better kind of life than the one you are living right now. This doesn’t mean you care about your loved ones any less or that you’re being selfish. It means you shouldn’t feel guilty for saying ‘no’. It means you shouldn’t compromise your values to make others like you. It means you shouldn’t stay in unsatisfying relationships, friendships, or situations. It means….you should no longer make yourself uncomfortable to make others comfortable. It is your responsibility to make you happy, you owe yourself great love and the courage to live for you.

“And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, ‘This is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!’ And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, ‘No. This is what’s important.'” –Iain Thomas